Leona Helmsley in Heaven: God Asks, “What the Fuck?”

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN: In a surprising development, the soul of recently deceased hotelier and so-called “Queen of Mean” Leona Helmsley was admitted into Heaven after she passed away of a heart attack Monday at age 87.

“I’m omnipotent, and I don’t even know what the hell happened,” God said during a telephone interview Tuesday. “I woke up this morning, stumbled over to the coffee maker and saw that fucking bitch waving to me just outside my kitchen window. That’s no way to start the day. I mean, what the fuck? Seriously. What the fuck happened?”

According to Heaven’s accounting department, despite a life of overwhelming greed and displays of snobbery that would make a Yale legacy wince, Helmsley never committed a sin egregious enough to void her slot in Heaven.

“Some time back we retired ‘The Seven Deadly Sins’ because Hell was suffering some severe structural fatigue from the weight of all the condemned, while we had all this free space up here,” explained an embarrassed Saint Peter, “It wasn’t common knowledge; in fact, we kept that decision quiet figuring it couldn’t hurt if people still thought sloth or pride were worth avoiding. In our defense, though, most of the Ten Commandments were kept intact for determining a soul’s merit for Heavenly admittance.”

When asked which Commandments people are allowed to break, Saint Peter was evasive.

“Technically none, but some we figured were more important than others. ‘Thou shalt not kill’ is the biggie, of course, and we aren’t too fond of adultery, either. But who the hell carves graven images anymore? Or ‘Thou shalt honor thy father and mother’? Have you seen the quality of parenting these days? It’s just too bad Mrs. Helmsley never actually murdered anyone. Sure, she ruined a lot of lives with her greed and incredibly selfish and miserly habits, and we all remember ‘the little people’ bullshit... but it wasn’t like she shot anyone in the face.”

“More’s the pity,” added the Saint sadly, “I sure as hell don’t want that bitch up here.”

Heaven’s legal department are working around the clock trying to determine how to reverse Helmsely’s entry, but admit there is not much hope.

“We let [former President] Ford in, and that dickhead pardoned Nixon for Christ’s sake,” explained God’s counsel, Saint Thomas More, “so if we stick it to that Helmsley hag, we’ll have to go back through all our records and kick a bunch of people out who have been up here long enough to form bowling teams.”

Millions of angels petitioned God himself for divine intervention to remove Helmsley from His kingdom, reminding Him just how much of a cunt she was in life, but God just shook His head and sighed.

“I mean, I don’t want that bitch here, either” He moaned, “but my hands are tied. If I kick her out, then Reagan’s got to go, too, and I would sure miss all the fun of him sucking up to me, hoping I’ll forget all that crap he pulled in the 50’s with the Hollywood blacklisting and arming and training all those terrorists while he was President.”